My mother and That Woman were in town this weekend, and we really need to get a drinking game together for their visits.

1. That woman says "Ich weiß nicht," take a sip.
2. That woman mentions the phrase "Shit, she's short" in reference to a marching band story from 22 years ago, take a sip.
3. Mother calls you by the wrong name, take a sip.
4. That woman says something racist, take a drink.
5. That woman appropriates a memory from your childhood that she was clearly not present for. take a drink.
6. That woman is rude to a cashier or a waitperson, take a drink.
7. That woman or Mother asks you a question where the answer is a lie, take a drink.
8. That woman or Mother asks why you don't have a blog, finish your drink and order another.

It's that last one that gets me. Every fucking time they see me, that woman has to declare her love for my writing and how it's such a shame I don't have a blog and why don't I have one. I suppose I could say that I do have one and that they can't read it, but then you have to get into the reasons why they can't read it and that's just too much talking. It's just easier to say I'm too busy.

Mom scared me a little by asking how one would find out who has a blog (because it's just that ignorance that lets me sleep at night), but K sort of mumbled Google and then said there really isn't a way because people tend not to post under their real names. I've already done a search and found that this doesn't come up when you Google my real name. Whew.

So, the drinking game. There are so many more to add-- feel free to add your own to comments. For those who haven't met her-- just make some up based on my stories. You'll probably be right.

Oh, sorry for not writing in so long. Quick update: I have three kidneys stones, my office has been moved to a different floor, Tbone is fine, I was on jury duty, and I spend most of my free computer time on Facebook now.

There, all caught up!

No no no no no no no no no no!!!

OK, I guess I'm back after a very long hiatus to rant here, in my wordy medical cabinet full of balls, because they're trying to kill me. An FDA recommendation to outlaw vicodin?!? I heard that and my immediate reaction was "Jesus Christ, it's a good thing I've already taken my meds for tonight so I don't fucking freak out and throw myself off a cliff."

Fucking FDA. If they want to take away my vicodin, they better supply the fucking heroin.

Who is backing this? I bet it's the Aleve motherfuckers. Gah!
Where do I picket?! Where are the petitions?!?! Where are the addresses of the people on this FDA panel???!??!

Maybe I shouldn't have said that last one. But still, who are these people? They haven't walked a mile in my fucked up hip moccasins. I dream of stuffing a stone in their collective kidney. Let us drill holes in their teeth too close to the nerves, then give them ice cream and no root canal. I want to put pure glucose in their IV and watch them scream.

I honestly don't know what I would do without my vicodin. It scares me. A lot.

If they do take away the only thing that helps me walk like normal person, the thing that allows me to sleep on my horribly fucked up hip bursae, the drug that keeps me from stabbing my legs repeatedly in an effort to somehow relieve the horrible aching of petrified muscles, the thing that keeps me from screaming and punching walls, I will explode. And write terrible run on sentences. If I thought becoming a survivalist and barricading myself in a one room cabin with hordes of prescriptions and paintball guns would work, I would do it.

But I realize that eventually I would run out of pills and paintballs.

Oh, I'll keep going with this until I die

More phrases:

• That's what I'M talkin' about

Lists

I have had so many things I could have written about in the past 2 weeks, but my brain has lost the ability to string together many sentences longer than up to 160 characters (140 if I twittered as much as the news shows claim I should).

Phrases that should be expunged from the English language

• You go, girl.
• Back in the day.
• And whatnot.
• Give (giving, gave) 110%.
• It's go time.
• (Anyone calling anybody) babe.

Things I have seen lately that shocked me, but not too much

• A bin of fedoras on sale at the local Walgreen's
• A business man trying to enter a building by choosing to go through the other door rather than open other door for the visibly disabled person exiting through the same set.
• The hat guy from the beer festival last year.
• The link on Yahoo from E! Online's newsfeed, posted under the main headline on Natasha Richardson's death, that read "Who Gets Invited to a Celebrity Funeral-- and How?"
  

I have other lists of things, like commercial personalities and jingles that I hate, but that will have to wait for another day.