I'm all mixed up, I got nothing to say

I have started and stopped about 6 entries today, because I really want to write, but I don't really have anything to say. But I just finished re-reading some old journals and now I feel like I need to write something, if only to prove to myself I can write something that isn't whiny, embarrassing and forgettable.

I think the only positive thing I can say about my past writing was at least I was prolific. I could write pages and pages about nothing, and not in a Seinfeld kind of way. And I dropped so many names! In 3 days of entries (about 7 pages of writing, mind you. Oh, to have that time and energy now!) I counted 12 names-- and I don't remember anything about them. "Alex" threw a party, "Colin" was in a band. I mentioned 3 different Steves, but I can only remember one of them.

It's really distressing to read about things, written in my own handwriting, that I have no recollection of. I know my memory has been bad for a long time, and I know I've been hemorrhaging the details of my life-- one insulin reaction and vicodin tab and handful of anti-depressants at a time-- but I didn't think there would be such huge chunks of stuff that, even now that I read about them, seem new to me.

And yet I can recall in great detail all of the really embarrassing things that happened to me in the same time period. Not just the things, but the awful feelings that caused or were caused by those embarrassing things.

And on that note, I'm going to go to bed to focus on all my past embarrassments and not sleep.