A Parade of horribles

I keep starting entries about Canada, but I can't finish them. Instead, I have a few questions for you:

Do you get the Sunday Paper?

Does it carry Parade Magazine?

Have you read Walter Scott's Personality Parade?

If so, you may have noticed that the questions all seem to be written by either publicists or the functionally retarded. And leading that charge is the man with the answers, Walter Scott.

The following will prove to you that Walter Scott had better watch his back, because I am ready to write. That. Column.

Q: Marilu Henner may not have won The Celebrity Apprentice, but her high energy and good nature won me over. What's the secret of her vitality?

A: Marilu is on record as saying that she stays young and vibrant by eating a diet rich in fiber, vitamin C and the babies of the rich and powerful. I'm sure her diet will continue to keep her hydrated and healthy as she writes her follow-up to her latest best seller Wear Your Life Well.

Q: Are the women on CBS's Survivor required to wear skimpy clothing?

A: "Indeed they are," responded producer and host Jeff Probst, "You can't masturbate to dailies of starving contenstants wearing long johns." Be sure to keep that in mind when you watch the latest installments on CBS every Thursday at 8 PM. Who will be voted out next?!?

Q: I can't keep up with Rihanna's hairstyles. Why so many different looks?

A: Rihanna, fresh off her stunning performance at this year's AXE Body SprayTM Booty-tease with Jay-Z, tells us she is wanted in several states and is constantly on the move. "Also," her stylist Whizzah confided to us, "Rihanna has been looking for a sassy look she can use to invade Poland. We are working on her mustache next week."

Q: With so many young actresses making news for their bad behavior, would you single any out for their good deeds?

A: Ashley Simpson gives great head. Oh, was that not what you meant?

Q: I love PARADE's cover story on Mariah Carey, but I'm puzzled by the title of her new CD, E=MC2. Does it have something to do with Einstein?

A: You're fucking kidding me, right?