Commercials I hate

To the chagrin of the husband, I like to talk back to the television. I mock the timelines on Cold Case, I yell "go, buddy, go" during sports exhibitions, I yell out the answers playing along with game shows.

I save my loudest exclamations and my snarkiest snark for commercials. I don't know why, but I require consistency and common sense from the ads that are trying to shill their potions and widgets. I do, in fact, think of these things whilst browsing the corner shops. Here are the worst offenders:

1. The Oregon Lottery

(Damn if I couldn't find the spot online. They show it all the fucking time-- how is it not on You Tube? I guess I'll have to describe it to you without being too biased. I must be patient; my wrath will out soon enough.)

Scene: A man is standing on a street corner in the financial district of an unknown city. He holds an upside down fedora in his hand. A businessman in a suit walks by and the first guy holds out his hat. The businessman waves him away. Next, a well dressed hipster walks by and hatman reaches into his fedora, pulls out a wad of cash and hands it to the guy, who is confused, but takes it anyway. This continues for three or four more people. As the camera focuses on a woman in a business suit staring wide eyed at the man while talking on her cell phone, the lottery logo comes up along with their catchphrase "What will you do?"

Why do I hate this commercial? Because the lottery winner is handing out cash in the *financial district*. You know, the one filled with people who already make wads of cash? The majority of the people walking by and taking the cash are white, distinctly vice-president-of-marketing type men. This just kills the democratic socialist in me. Why would you give money to people who didn't need it? Could he not find more needy people? Not even homeless people, necessarily--because lord knows we don't want to reward the indigent and down on their luck-- but maybe students? Parents with large families? Maybe a barista or a cashier at Ross? Hell, I'd even look past my distrust of religious charities and accept a fucking Salvation Army Santa. Jesus, you don't need to give money to The Man. The Man squeezes plenty of money out of us already.

Next?

B) The Oregon Lottery, again

Scene: The outside of a single bathroom stall. Everything is plated in gold. A woman comes out of the stall and climbs into a gold plated golf cart. The camera follows the woman as she drives down a long hallway-- also gold-- until she comes to a similarly plated basin, where she disembarks from the golf cart and proceeds to wash her hands. The lottery logo and catchphrase come up on screen.

Seriously, how gross must that golf cart steering wheel be? Every time that commercial airs, scores of molysmophobiacs convulse and die.

Wait, there's more!

III. AT&T - Alter-ego Hong Kong Greeting





"He's not going to answer because he doesn't have AT&T"

And whose fault is that, you think? Could it be... the VP of Sales' fault for choosing to save money by providing the sales team with inadequate communications service? Maybe we can blame the boss who neglected to give his salesman important information like the pronounciation of the best client's name? Jesus, any company that relies so heavily on an individual employee's choice of phone provider and ability to learn a complex language like Chinese deserves to have their business fail.

I will leave you on an upbeat note, for once, with my favorite commercial so far this year (it's one of a series of commercials that are all pretty great):




Yoinks and away, indeed.